I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
