worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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