textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
