what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
