so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
