Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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