my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
