My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
