Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
