I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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