If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
