for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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