I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
