I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
