2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
