Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
