I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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