OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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