dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
