I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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