i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
where are my eyebrows?
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