I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
