Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We have started to decorate penises.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Randomize
