You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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