I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
