ya dads aren't the best wingmen
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
