fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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