If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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