I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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