Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
