my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
