My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
