i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
