so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
