I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
