did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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