if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
