A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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