I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
