My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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