Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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