We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
