Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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