oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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