so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
