Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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