Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
