fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
