she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
