Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
