I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
